for some reason, summer is really hard for me. it's not the weather that bothers me, i think it's the urgency of always having plans outside instead of letting things go with the flow. i like having plans in the summer, but it exhausts me because i'm trying to meet my own expectation of what summer looks like for my family. particularly july is the hardest. june felt nice because kai was fresh off tour and we had a lot of time to relax and get back into our lives. we dove right back into our routine and everything felt right, but i swear once july hits, it feels like i lose myself. july feels like a big friday night and i'm constantly trying to keep myself busy. i'm reaching out to anyone to see what they're up to and what created was more anxiety and frustration. that's partially why i wasn't updating my blog. i felt like i owed someone else my time. i owed mateo long days out at the park. i owed kai his time to work. i was carrying a lot burdens and it truly weighed me down. i woke up stressed out almost everyday. i wasn't looking forward to reading or doing simple things that make my morning relaxing and freeing. what i compromised was busyness for peace. you know when people see the more you talk negatively, the more you feel it and it's all around you? that's what it was. i wasn't satisfied with what i was doing with my life. even the smallest things like drinking coffee. i thought, "i should be at a coffee shop right now with a friend instead of sitting at home." i tried to one-up myself all of the time. i was trying to make better plans than what God had already blessed me with. i was pushing away peace and quietness for chaos and anxiety.
i wasn't resting.
i'd like to blame social media. it sets this bar to meet and it makes me feel like i have to do more or better than whatever i'm looking at. interesting enough, i was just reading an article the other day that mentioned how social media can develop mental disorders. i 100% believe that. there's this lie that's wrapped around social media. it's this world that we can't reach for, but we want more of. so i deleted a couple of apps off my phone. i thought to myself, ok good start. that actually helped a lot. i wasn't trying to keep up with whatever was going on with other people. i would literally be scrolling through so much crap that didn't mean anything to me. i've noticed how much a lot of us are trying to prove to the world what we have to offer and how successful we are. i get that it's good to flaunt a bit and be proud of your work, but when it comes extremely consuming and all you're doing is searching for validation, that's where it goes wrong and it's hard to go back from that. i remember a couple of weeks ago, God told me, "they didn't care for My name, why should you care for yours?" wow. the realness from that. Thank You God for the honesty and the wisdom. He's so right and that gave me so much peace from all of the anxiety and restlessness i was feeling. why do i care to keep my name at such a high standard, when back in the day, Jesus was being spit at when He was simply being Himself: saving us from our sins? i don't want to feel restlessness anymore. it brought a lot of pain into my home and i allowed it. i let it consume my soul because i was trying to keep up with others and social media. the amount of stuff people post on instagram can be too much sometimes. i'm guilty of it, like i already mentioned, but when will there be a time when we actually enjoy what's in front of us instead of always trying to document everything? man, i remember when i didn't have any social media apps back in 2014. when friends would ask me why i didn't, i would be very blunt and say, "we're gonna die anyways, so none of this matters." yeah, i had a major ecclesiastes moment. king solomon was right though, "much dreaming and many words are meaningless. therefore fear God." (5:7) i do want to enjoy taking pictures and all of that. i want to enjoy the beauty of social media which is community and togetherness. my all time favorite thing about social media has to be the comedy. there's nothing like a funny comment with over a thousand likes, seriously. the memes, the videos, it's all funny and enjoyable, but everything in moderation. if we are truly trying to rest, let's put our phones down. there has to be a balance. and hey, if you don't have a problem with the usage of social media, then that's good! you have nothing to worry about. i'm addressing something that could potentially damage our inner beings because of a made up world that's on our phones. if you're subconsciously reaching for your phone to look at something you already looked at five minutes ago, then yes that's a problem.
i'm blessed with Sabbath days. thank you to my mom who introduced Sabbath to our family back in 2011. every friday sunset to saturday sunset. we spend the entire day doing absolutely nothing and enjoying the presence of God. embracing His holiness in ways i didn't think were possible. the fact that it's in the ten commandments already gives us enough reason to enjoy Sabbath. let's keep our minds, hearts, and souls holy. let us not conform to this world. everything is temporary.