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Now That I Have Time

honestly, where do i start. i feel like i have a lot to say, and it's always easier for me to talk instead to type. i'm always backspacing and think what i'm posting isn't good enough, but whatevsies. if it sounds like i'm rambling, it's because i am and i don't care.


who knew that being in michigan would be my place of rest? i figured this out in december. it was my mission after college to leave my hometown in michigan and never come back. reasons? i went through A LOT here, a lot of trial and error, but a lot of blessings too. every time i come back, i seem to want to stay, and to be quite honest, i wouldn't mind staying, but i know that in my heart, a place of comfort isn't what God wants for me. comfort makes me lazy and sluggish. it makes me forget about how much God wants me to expand in every way, so. yeah. it's hard leaving, but it's also nice going back home to seattle and knowing what i'm going back to. i'm going back to a place where kai and i are raising mateo, our friends, our church. seattle is where God called me and kai to, it's a place where i'll remember what we went through to move away from our family and figure it out by ourselves. being in michigan though, phew. the peace i feel here. crazy to feel that! i used to feel so bitter and angry about this place. i say this place because i'm here with my family as kai finishes the second stretch of his tour. i've been here for almost a month and it's been realllll nice. mateo feels comfortable here, he has so much fun being around family and especially his cousin, and for me, having daily conversations with my mom like we used to have is keeping me grounded. i guess what i really needed was family time and i'm glad i have it! family time was all i had growing up in michigan, so not having that for awhile was hard. yes, of course i have family time with kai and mateo, and no i'm not saying they're not my family. i'm talking about the strong and close bond i have with my sisters and mom + dad. i want mateo to experience that as well, his aunties and grandparents. before we left seattle mid february, i had a lot of anxiety and i didn't feel good. i think i posted about how mateo was really sick for awhile, i was running out of ideas, ideas as in whatever keeps kai, teo, and i occupied, so this michigan trip really helped out. it mostly helped out with my relationship with God.

growing with God isn't easy. it's not like everyday is perfect and i feel His presence and it's a great time. yeah, i have moments like that, that last awhile and it feels soooo good, wow. but recently, i was in a funk. i didn't know what was going on, i felt spiritually dry. i talked to friends about it, i talked to kai about it, and the dryness stayed. in the past, whenever i had that same feeling, i would totally freak out and ask God, "ok, where are You? You don't feel near, so why did You leave me?" this time, i knew that in the midst of the confusion and loneliness, He was near. that's what i always tell myself whenever i'm going through something that's difficult, dark, or it feels impossible to get out, God is near. the thing about God is that His timing is nothing like our timing. John Piper once said, "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them." dryness can make you feel small and it can make you feel like there's nothing special about your life. you minimize the blessings that God has already given you and you continually focus on the ugly parts. what God did for me was realize what i have around me is better than whatever i'm going through internally. yes, it's good to recognize what's going on with myself and address it, but most times, i feel like it's self-inflicted. what could possibly be wrong if i have a loving husband, a healthy child, kind friends, and a growing church? i can buy groceries anytime i want, i get to sleep at peace with as many blankets and pillows, i can drive anywhere, etc. etc. etc. there's a lot of blessings around us that we tend to ignore and we focus on our troubles for far too long. it's the easiest the enemy distracts us from the truth. Jesus even said not to worry. God even took a whole day off, sabbath day. if He can do that, why can't we? that's why coming to michigan was God's perfect timing because i instantly felt His way of being. i told myself, "you lost yourself for a little bit. welcome back."

  • i'm still reading my books, i'm still writing, and i'm still engaging as much as i can without the obsessiveness of social media. i'm proud of myself!
  • i'm concentrating on taking my time as a mom and letting go of the mom guilt day by day.
  • i'm giving myself a chance to breathe instead of trying to do everything at once.
  • i'm reaching out to my friends and letting them know that i love them.
  • i'm letting go of the petty anger that i have when i overly expect from others.
  • i'm putting myself into lively situations that might make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.
  • i'm being careful on the way i speak to others, i think before i speak.
  • i'm going outside every morning with mateo, feeling that crisp michigan air and narrating our day so he can learn from my words.
  • i'm trying to be a thoughtful and loving sister, daughter, friend, wife, and mother.
  • i'm praying for more of God.

so at this point of my life, i feel so ready for the spring time. new season and with a new season, a lot of stuff starts happening and i have a feeling kai, mateo and i are gonna be pretty busy! i love a good, busy time in our lives because after that, we know we're gonna have a lengthy break that we deserve. seattle is my place to live and to grow because God doesn't call us to a place for no reason. there's more than meets the eye. i'm thankful for all of the ups and downs because as i go up, God's there. as i go down, He's there too. did i ramble? am i talking too much? probably, but my blog is my favorite way to express and i'm happy that so many people take the time to read my words. 

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