I feel like I have to talk about, especially now that it's the new year. There are things that I want to focus on this year and things I want to accomplish. My friend Alexis told me, "Write down goals that you want to complete this year. Focus on yourself." That stuck to me, mainly because as a mom, all of my focus is on Mateo. Everything that I do is for him and most of my thoughts are about him. There's nothing wrong with that. It was just nice being reminded that I can think about myself too.
So, this year, I want to be more honest with myself.
less anxiety, less complaining, less anger, and less resentment
more creativity, more conversation, more reflecting, and self love
That list can go on and on, but I wanna talk about a selective few.
less time on my phone
A couple of weeks ago, I was scrolling through instagram and I remember feeling so annoyed with myself. I'm looking at pictures that don't really help me with anything. I'm just looking and that's it. I remember thinking, "Starting at a wall would be better than starting at pictures." That's exactly what I did. I stared around my bedroom while Mateo was sleeping beside me. I started praying to God, I started creating inside my mind, I started thinking of plans to have for that week, I started focusing of the life around me. My phone is the biggest distraction. It still is. I hate the feeling of being disconnected from the life around me because I'm focused on social media. Disclaimer: social media is a great way to connect with friends and family. It updates us with news and whatever is going on around in the world. My problem with social media is how much it can consume my mind. To be honest, I can spend hours on my phone on Youtube, Facebook, Instagram, etc. That's what's unhealthy and I want to be make it a goal of mine in 2018 to stop checking my phone so much. I don't want it to be the first thing I check in the morning. I don't want to document every single thing that I do. I want to embrace that time and beauty that's around me. I feel like I have this pressure on me to show what I'm doing to my followers on social media. I have to show what I'm wearing, what I bought, who I'm with, but there's nothing that I gain from that. Yes, it's nice to keep my followers updated and it's ok to show whatever excites me, but like I said, it's the excessiveness. I don't want to put my value into something that doesn't really show my true self. People who've never met me don't really know the real me based off of my social media profiles. I try my best to be myself through my blog, but that still doesn't show others who I am, so if I'm going to use a blog as my outlet, I want to be more honest and more open. I want to start conversations with people and create connections that put value into those conversations.
I think I have at least five anxiety attacks every week. I know, it's bad and such a crippling feeling. I've dealt with anxiety all of my life and it hurts, but what I'm learning from anxiety is that it's putting control into my hands, being taken away from God's hands. There's a part in one of the Oswald Chambers' books that I'm reading and he says, "the enemy doesn't use sin against you, they use anxiety and fear which leads to sin." It's crazy to think that anxiety can be self inflicting, well in my life at least. When I'm having an anxiety attack, most of the time, it's because I can't control something and I have zero patience. I'm telling God, "I trust you, but I trust myself more so I need the control." That's why I want to start writing three things I'm grateful for each day. I want to remind myself that there are simple things in my life that make me happy, like Mateo's laugh. I hope that this practice pushes anxiety out of my soul for good.
Speaking of having no patience, it's a hobby of mine to start an art project and never finish it. I get so frustrated with myself because I want my design to look a certain way and when it doesn't, perfectionism dictates my decision. One of the million things that I love about Kai is that he's not afraid to start creating and even if it takes him years to finish his creation (FYI, his upcoming album took him 4 years to create), he doesn't neglect it. It's like I get so afraid of not having the most perfect result that I just give up. You know that corny (but necessary) quote, "It's about the journey, not the destination" Yeah, I gotta start saying that to myself. Art isn't perfect and I'm not either.
I took a ballet class in college and the grace and balance that comes with ballet made me fall in love with the art. I want to join a ballet class this year. I want to bake more, I want to build more Lego sets (ya'll should already know I'm into Legos #nerdalert), I want to get into stocks (not sure why, but YOLO), I want to take more pictures, blah blah. I can go on. Ya'll get the point. I wanna DO more.
more self love
This one is major and this is something I've struggled since I was five. Yes, I remember the sad day where I weighed myself at that age and felt fat. It's disgusting how quickly the devil wanted me to feel insecure about myself, so it's been a battle. I've had a lot of conversations about this topic with my friend Astaire and it's something that so many people go through. Self love is becoming more relevant nowadays, thank God, and I want to remind myself that no matter what I wear or how I look, self love comes from above. I'm made in the image of God, so the moment I feel negative about my physical self, I want to remember that God made me, He bought me, I'm His. My value comes from Him, not from anything else.
I guess I could've put this in the 'more hobbies' category, but I've been hyping myself up to start writing and reading more. I wanna go back to those diary days. I want to write whatever is on my mind everyday. Whether it's short or long. It'll help me be more expressive! Writing also means updating my blog more. If there's anything that ya'll want me to talk about or share, I'm down! I'm so happy that I started reading, I actually just ordered two more Chambers books just now on Amazon. It's a good way to relax and I also wanna get into different genres as well. My friend Sasha was telling me that she's also been on that less phone and more reading wave, so I'm sure she'll have some good books to recommend. Reading out loud to Teo is a must too! He'll sit on my lap almost every morning and I'll read him stories from the bible. He's surprisingly calm during the reading session, but I've been finding his books with bite marks on them. I guess books are his new teethers.
Phew! Was that a lot?! I'm glad I'm posting this so I can have accountability and check back as the year passes by.
The most important resolution for me is to stay deeply connected with God.
More of God.