How has one year passed already? The months go by slow, but it just feels like life is happening so fast. I remember when my water broke. I remember coming home with Teo from the hospital with my mom and Kai. I remember healing, taking things slow, nursing for a month, pumping for 7 months, and I remember embracing so much of the ups and downs.
That's what motherhood is. It's so hard, but it's so beautiful.
The first couple of months with Mateo, I was confused. I felt like I put myself in a position where I couldn't be the best mom to him. I wanted everything to be perfect, I wanted to feel good, I wanted to have energy. I didn't. I was exhausted. I was trying to figure everything out with a tiny human being. I took a lot of my frustration out on Kai and my mom. I hated that I couldn't sleep as much as I could, I hated that I couldn't do what I wanted to do anymore. Every thought was selfish.
That's what God exposed to me.
It's hard to explain because I'm still figuring it out. God told me that I can't see my son and my future children as a hard task that I need to complete. Mateo isn't a goal to complete, he doesn't take away my goals, he doesn't take up my time, he's not in the way of my life, he is me, he was a part of me, and now I'm raising him because God gave me that privilege. Of course now my life is busier. My days are full of Mateo. Making meals, playing games, singing, reading, lots of hugs and kisses, and at the end of each day, I'm tired, but I'm happy I'm tired. I'm happy because now my life makes sense. I know what I should be doing each day. I know my schedule, I know how to have some me time, I know how to cherish and embrace my marriage, it's like God gave me a plan to follow. I know to look to Him for help. What I'm saying is that everything I do, every direction I take as a mother/wife/friend/sister/person, it points back to Him. I am alive to live out His purpose.
I love you.
Forever & ever.