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You know, I always wanted to be a mother. I knew I was going to be a mom young too (Young as in I wanna be at least in my twenties). I had goals and I prayed for those goals. I also knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom/wife. I wanted to give my children all of my attention. Having Mateo helped me reach these goals, but also create new ones. Instead of thinking so much about the future, motherhood came along and destroyed what I had in mind. I'm not saying "my life is over when I became a mom," more like "Ok God. What do you have in store for me as a mom?" Mateo helped me slow down and stop rushing my ideas. I stopped being a perfectionist and I let everything go with the flow. Uncertainty used to be scary for me, but now it's exciting and gracious. 

I'll probably ramble in this post too, but I just feel like I have so much to say about being a mother. Motherhood is hard and all moms know that. It can get really emotional. As much as my husband Kai helps me, no one will understand what a mother feels. Fathers have their own dynamic with their children, so it's kind enough of Kai to be there with me as I go up and down through motherhood. After I gave birth, my hormones were wild. I knew I had some ppd, but it was hard talking about it because I didn't know where to start. Now that I've talked about it to my close friends and family, it's something that NEEDS to be talked about. Mothers go through so much, mentally/physically/emotionally. It's a lot and it can feel heavy, but that doesn't mean it's a burden. I don't consider what I do "work." I don't consider it a burden and it's not something I HAVE to do. Raising a child is more than that. I'm literally nurturing and taking care of a small human being who can't talk or walk yet. Mateo is smart, but there's so much more growth that needs to happen, even after he becomes advanced. Women have birthed every single person walking on this earth right now. That's amazing and that says a lot. There's been a couple of times I've been looked down on because I'm a young mom. This negativity came from other women, which is odd to me. That's where the difficulties of motherhood come in. There will be times where others see me and I'm not good enough for them. Other times I'm praised for what I do and how cute Mateo is. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not looking for my identity through others or even through Mateo. My identity comes from God. I can get lost in a lot of areas in my life; my goals, aspirations, plans, etc., but before I can ever think those things, I have to look to God and ask Him what He wants me to do. Where does He want me to go. How can I become a better mother for Mateo with God's help. How can I be a better wife/daughter/sister/friend. I'm constantly trying to find myself through Christ and if I lose track of the path He put me on, I go back to square one: worrying about every single little thing in my life and driving myself crazy with what society wants me to be. 

I read a quote recently that said, "Do you remember who you were before the world told you who to be?" So real. Especially in this time of social media being rubbed in our face. There's a lot of pressure to look a certain way and to live a certain way. That can be super toxic and honestly, that's self destruction. As a mom, I'm more focused on being there for Teo, but that also can make me a little crazy. That's why I love going on dates with Kai and I'm so thankful we have family here to watch Mateo for us and love on him the way we do.  Whenever there is too much going on around me, saying a prayer works. Connecting with God and being filled with His peace is what keeps me at ease. It's ok to step away from your situations and taking deep breaths. Sanity!


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