Don't you love it when God teaches you a lesson? Whether it hurts or not, conviction from God feels so right. I say that because for so long, for years actually, after I gave up on a lot of friendships, I really believed that having friends was a burden. I felt like it wasn't right and that made me not want to connect with others while being way too comfortable in the presence of my family and husband. I don't know why, but I developed this hate and anger towards people who wanted to get close to me. I didn't allow it. I didn't want it and I thought I was right. I was quick to cut people off and it felt right and easy. I preferred being lonely. Now I'm not saying I felt like I was higher than others, no. I will never allow my pride and ego to make me feel that way. That way leads to corruption and it forces me to turn my face away from God. I was happy in my loneliness. I wouldn't necessarily call it "loneliness." I was happy in my solitude. I was happy knowing that I trusted myself, my husband, my immediate family, and no one else. I had a couple of close friends, but even with them in my life, I didn't want to get too close. I'm writing this because I feel like I have to, so if it seems like I'm losing my train of thought, I'm sorry! I'm still learning through this new process, but with the grace of Jesus, I hope to help others as well.
Think about it. After years of truly believing that I'm better off with zero friends, no one to confide in, no one to connect with, you start to develop this darkness in your heart. It's almost like your soul can't even grow the way God intended it to. How can God bless me in the ways He wants to if I'm not allowing myself to follow His will? How can He lead me on the right path if all I'm doing is isolating myself from the people who could potentially become my closest friends and family? I don't know. When I had Mateo, obviously my heart/soul/mind changed. God used my baby in order to help me come out of the cave I forced myself in. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I'll probably cry all day long because motherhood is so special and such a gift from God (I'll talk about that on my post tomorrow!).
As God started working with my heart, He lead me to people who gave me this amazing sense of relief and peace. I felt comfort and happiness. Kai and I both did. We knew it was God's work and to this day, I thank Him for the friends and the community we have created in Seattle. I was willing to be like, "You know what God? Do what you need to do for me and for my life. Strip away the bitterness and grudges I might've kept in my soul." Small prayers like this go a long way and God is never far away. It's up to us to completely surrender these human emotions and let Him take control of what He needs to do.
Right when I surrendered, God spoke to me and said,
"I've been waiting to give you this community. You needed to change your attitude first."
I know we all have such a personal and intimate relationship with God, but man, when I heard those words. My heart broke. My soul felt heavy, and so many thoughts were crossing my mind. How long did I let myself become such an isolated person? Years! So no, it doesn't matter if it takes God a long time to help you change your ways, as long as He does it, that's what matters. Time doesn't matter to Him. Time is man made.
God gave me the ability to FINALLY love on others and to make relationships, to build a community here, and everything started to make sense after He spoke those words to me. Becoming a mother made sense. Moving to Seattle made sense. It was like God gave me the last piece of the puzzle. Once I saw the big picture, my heart grew and my soul filled with the Spirit. I'm friends with amazing women and men. Kai and I are building something so great here and the momentum that we have is full of God's power. He's giving us these platforms to disciple and to spread His love onto others. Even if we might experience pain, we continue. What would it look like if Jesus gave up after He felt the pain He undeservingly endured? We wouldn't have His grace and freedom. Obviously we aren't Jesus and Jesus isn't us, but being made in the image of God, it's our duty to live out His will and His mercy.
In our imperfections, He is perfect.
I want friendships the way God sees them.
I want motherhood the way God created it to be.
I want community the way He wants it.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- 1 Corinthians 13:13